Being Right vs. Being Righteous

I had a very interesting week this week and also a relationship-altering experience as well. I have to first start by making a confession…I love being right.

Now that may not be an earth-shattering revelation to you, because most people do; who doesn’t? However, not only do I like to be right, I’m very good at proving I’m right. In other words, I’m an excellent debater. Again, that my sound okay on the surface, but my skillfulness at “proving my case” has brought me many victories, but it also has brought me many defeats in my relationship with others. Ironically, most of my conflicts with others go wrong when I'm right (and I can prove it) rather than when I'm wrong (and they can prove it).

One reason I started this “RealWorld Mens' Blog” was because I wanted to demonstrate to men who, like me, may not have had a “strong male role model” growing up, that a strong man is also a man who’s humble enough to admit his weaknesses. This is a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way over the years and I still struggle with to this day. And one of the toughest lessons I’ve had to learn is that when it comes to relationships (whether with your mate, child, friend, co-worker, or even a stranger), it’s always far better to be “righteous” than to be “right.”

What do I mean by that? Whenever you’re in a conflict with someone, and you only focus on “proving your point” and doing whatever it takes to “win” the argument, you may walk away feeling good about yourself, but the other person might walk away feeling bad about themselves (including you). However, if you focus on being “righteous” (i.e., speaking and acting towards the other person with love), even if you disagree, both of you will walk away feeling good, not only about yourselves, but also each other. I hope this makes sense. Now back to my point.

This week, after engaging in a conflict with someone I love - that didn’t end quite the way I would’ve liked (i.e., me being right, but the relationship being wounded) - I decided to spend a considerable amount of time with God reflecting on as many “bad endings” as I could remember with those I love. Call it old age or spiritual maturity, but “being right” and “proving I’m right” was starting to leave me feeling less and less satisfied each time.

So I sought God’s guidance; and I would like to share with you what He spoke to my heart and revealed to me about me. In turn, I hope you might be able to pull some wisdom for yourself as you work to strengthen your own relationship with others (especially those you love).

First, God showed me that my passion for truth, although a good thing, has gotten me into trouble, because it’s prevented me from being more compassionate to those I try to share it (truth) with. In other words, He told me:

“Don’t just speak truth with passion, speak it with com-passion.”

Next, God revealed to me that whenever I seek to speak truth to someone, if they try to resist, reject, or ignore it, then I need to just back off. But He told me this way:

“Whenever you feel the need to ‘push’ then you need to ‘pause’.”

This really hit home with me, because so many times other people’s resistance to my point causes me to speak a little louder, be a little more forceful, and push a little harder, until I eventually “push” them away.

Then, God showed me that whenever I anticipated or sensed a conflict with someone, I should pray before I engage. He spoke it to me this way:

“Seek before you speak.”

Simple enough; He suggested I seek His face and "His way" of how I should handle the situation before I seek to get my point across “my way.” And given my track record lately, I have no choice but to follow this advice.

And the last thing God spoke to me was probably the most revealing. He told me that whenever I get into a conflict with someone, I need to make fewer statements and ask more questions. But he said this way:

“Ask more questions and make less accusations.”

Ouch! This was more revealing to me because I never realized I was accusing anyone of anything when I argued with them. But that’s exactly what I was doing. By insisting and proving I was right, I was actually judging and accusing them of being wrong. My job is to speak truth, not to prove it. That's God's job.

But then I ask God another question, “How can I do better?” In addition to the three (3) things he mentioned above, he also gave me three (3) questions to interject into any conflict whenever I see it going downhill:

1. How do you think I should respond to you in this situation?

2. What do you need me to do for you right now?

3. We don’t seem to be connecting with each other, what am I doing wrong?

Although it was painful to see some of my character flaws, I walked away feeling encouraged not condemned, because now I know better. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll always do better in my relationship with others, unless I realize that in any conflict or argument, that it’s not about me, it’s not about them, it’s always about us and God’s best for us. Be blessed my brothers, and stay in His grip!